Update, 16 months into HRT, coming out, poetry, review of Manhunt
Started at 1 mg estrogen per day for three months, then three months at 2 mg, and ten months at 4 mg (100 mg progesterone, 2.5 finasteride, 200 mg spiro, added topical Minoxidil 8% — Dr Powers hair regrowth)
The hair is closing on my once bald head. At the start of HRT, hair regrowth did not seem like a reality, but I am trending in the right direction.
I still consider myself a non-binary trans femme, despite the fact that more often than not, I am thinking of myself as a woman.
My pronouns are on my work email. So far, my biggest public coming out gesture. At work, because we are encouraged to wear a unisex polo and semi casual pants, I have not worn a dress or a full face of make up. I’m an active teacher, on the stage and throughout the school taking pictures most days, so it works. Most people call me by a nickname, the folks who gender me are almost always conservative Christians, though plenty of Christians call me by nickname. So, we will see how this coming out year starts, its very early in. My hair will be pony tail length by Halloween, I predict, and by spring, I hope to be able to femme my hair — its curly, or wavy, depending on how I style it.
I also predict that in say four to six years, I’ll be using she/her pronouns exclusively. Who can say?
My partner, on occasions, tries to re-colonize my body with her ideas. It causes brief stress and tension and evaporates and we continue to grow.
Sex drive has returned. Still have no intention of bottom surgery, despite entertaining it every few days.
I am going to look into facial feminization, especially the hairline part of the procedure (for some). It insurance covers it, I’m getting my femme face. If it doesn’t, I may still get it.
I’ve completed 16 hours of electrolysis and no longer have to shave my upper lip every day. Every two days, as there are maybe 30–50? white hairs on my upper lip. No shadow, so that’s’ awesome.
It hurts like a motherfucker, despite 10% numbing cream, edibles, and 600 mg of tylonol. Its bearable, but damn. I had a pain induced vision brought on by sensory deprivation and pain. My electrologist uses green eye shields which create a halo effect. When I open my eyes, I keep them closed, I can see her light and the effect of shields creates a tunneling effect around it, as if it were a passageway into and out of the earth. And in this passage I saw a crone, who looked like a character from the 1970s animated Hobbit film, or from a Studio Ghibli film. She gestured for me to join her by the fire or by the well, I could not be sure. She was peaceful and kind, my crone.
I don’t know how you all do it, but I’ve taken my time transitioning my wardrobe. I have zero dresses that “fit” — they are all too wide in the waist. Belts are my friend. Still though, most dresses just don’t look great on me because I’m shaped like a brick.
But who cares? My body is a gift I give to myself.
I still mostly rock ladies bottoms with cute top. And like no one even notices, because I’m a brick. Most people give me funny looks as I probably read like a very gay man. Which is also fine.
I’m only ten months into a “full dose” of estrogen.
Speaking of, that’s about how many bouts of PMS I have experienced — breast tenderness, mood swings, sex drive fluctuations, period poops, and general irritability. I think its a freaking miracle. I love it even when I don’t.
Also on the work front, possible news regarding grant funding and LGBTQIA programming is on the horizon. I am hopeful to have another school year full of queer representation.
The only people in my life who I am not out to are my parents, brother and my extended family. My partner has asked me not to be out to her social circle. Totally doable as we never see her side of the family or her close friends. I see my brother every few years, and my parents every six weeks or so. I. Just. Don’t. Care. My father sends me Trump propaganda every few days.
This tweet feels relevant w/r/t how I feel about coming out to my pre-trans nuclear fam and how I feel about coming out to co-workers who would routinely share their hate with me because they projected their identity onto my denial beard.
<blockquote class=”twitter-tweet”><p lang=”en” dir=”ltr”>queer people don’t really forget what their friends and family have said about the queer community before they came out to them</p>— Rio (@riomat7) <a href=”https://twitter.com/riomat7/status/1565040695936786434?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">August 31, 2022</a></blockquote> <script async src=”https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset=”utf-8"></script>
I will be working with people who have repeatedly shit on women, POC, queer folx, and trans issues. The wolf comes in on words. These friends (as they no doubt some would say — just to justify their feelings) have already been eaten. I just have no fucks to give re: their feelings re: my body, my presentation. A year ago, I would have not been so pointed. A year ago I was still considering long term stealth.
I have allies, and I have friends.
I haven’t had real friends since college, or post college. Last time I had a friend, someone I could be emotionally honest with and felt emotionally safe with, was when I was 26/27. Nearly twenty-five years without a friend outside my relationship with my partner and my bottle. Even in the last ten years of my sobriety, I have had only one real friend. Jim. A openly gay man who came into my life when I was 44? 45? I came out to him, he was supportive and affirming. He eventually moved and during the pandemic he got me into trans/non-binary AA and I started texting other people on a daily basis. It’s a good habit for staying sober, and in doing so friendships form. I have wonderful trans friends that I text almost every day and zoom with a few times a week. It’s so wonderful. This on top of having a best friend at work who is also trans. This is on top of working with queer students and being wallpaper in a safe space in their lives as they navigate how to live. My heart is pretty effing full. And it’s all because I finally accepted myself as I am. I am no longer wearing the wolf suit.
As my friend Delcina says, “we must choose joy even when its miserable”.
I have listened to Beyonce’s Renaissance, at least once a day, since it came out, some weeks back. It’s so queer and body positive and it makes me happy. The trans and queer connections are a bonus.
Read: The Chosen and the Beautiful by Nghi Vo — a queer POC interp of The Great Gatsby — a fucking plus
Reading: Kings of B’Moore a delightful earnest sweet happy read about two queer friends who just want to be nice to each other. By R. Eric Thomas — a queer book club read — so it is at the top of the pile, and The Thirty Names of Night by Zeyn Joukhadar about a Syrian trans male who discovers a family secret — its gorgeous and I read it a bit to cleanse the palette, so to speak.
Support BIPOC queer voices. Our fight is their fight. Their fight is our fight, intersectionality is key to dismantle the status quo. Part of good allyship is de-centering whiteness in your curated cultural content, going forward. This simple gesture builds empathy and builds stronger queer communities. I’m saying this for myself as much as I am saying it to foster community. I have to put the wolf outside myself.
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Of course this update will include publication updates, cause that’s how I roll.
This review of Gretchen Felker-Martin’s Manhunt is so T4T. Four trans folx worked on it, in a manner of speaking. A kick ass trans editor, Cavar, GFM — the trans author, and Hil Malatino,a smart asf queer theorist, plus myself. Thank you Beestung, a non-binary trans zine, for giving this review a home. Probably one of my fav pieces I published this year. Gretchen liked it, I think.
<blockquote class=”twitter-tweet”><p lang=”en” dir=”ltr”>An incredibly thoughtful and interesting analysis of MANHUNT as a vision of a queer future. <a href=”https://t.co/5Db6qszZfS">https://t.co/5Db6qszZfS</a></p>— Gretchen Felker-Martin (@scumbelievable) <a href=”https://twitter.com/scumbelievable/status/1561141091302346753?ref_src=twsrc%5Etfw">August 21, 2022</a></blockquote> <script async src=”https://platform.twitter.com/widgets.js" charset=”utf-8"></script>
Pinhole Poetry, a Canadian indie press, published an interview with moi, that includes a pic of me in my cute asf summer blonde wig.
The Daily Drunk published another Marvel pop culture poem, this one about Cap America as a tool of the fascist state.
These poems are from my series on the wolf and emptiness. The Evergreen Review is an awesome lit journal and I am so happy to be a part of its long commitment to overturning the status quo. They paid me, too. Read them here.
Love yourself. Being trans is radical self love. Be gay do crimes.
