It’s been a minute, Medium. And how my life is very different, but also not so different.
Review: started HRT/HT on 5/1/21. Progesterone, Estradiol 1mg (.5 x2), Spiro, baby doses of all meds.
Sweat changed about a week into it, perhaps after four days.
I knew within the first few days this was for me. I felt like a whole person. I feel like a whole person. The noise is dialed way down.
I have adopted a fitness routine, walking, yoga, and exercises for women, targeting the butt, the hip flexors, etc.
Over a month a half in, I feel muscle loss, muscle shifting around. I love it. I feel my body. When I was going through puberty the first time, when I sat cross legged on the floor, my knees would feel like they would pop out of joint. I have that same feeling now, as puberty begins again.
I have had some tears. Mostly joy. Some sad. I ended a social media friendship due to some awful transphobia and general calls for oppression for non gender conforming folk.
I attended a trans social function, met local trans folk — strangely, a reporter covered it and some local activists spoke, which I loved. Everyone was nice. I some good advice but mostly just enjoyed socializing which helped me figure some things out, I think.
The social transition thing is way beyond my emotional scope right now. It feels like a dream. I can see it when I’m older, oddly.
World, I came into you a boy, and I’m going out a transperson.
My chemical transition also feels like a dream. Like I’m in a science fiction film. Of course, being the nerd I am, find a way to drop Matrix references into my normal interactions with cis folk, a kind of queer signaling to others out here in rural Trumpian world.
So, my SO would really like for me NOT to be Cassandra all the time. We talk about it in dribs and drabs and I’m a flighty Gemini and can get all in my head about it.
Where I stand now is that I can do that. Gender fluid is how I experience gender, socially. I think. My shrink says I just need time. Work. As an educator, I think if I were to use the school as a petri dish for socially transitioning there would be so much noise and uproar. It’s a super small community and I’ve got roots there, in a way, though I do not live there.
Breasts remain frightening territory for me.
Part of me still feels odd about my earrings, just because at some level it will force a conversation point with my parents, which I already have built up in my mind as a serious problem.
I have had more “I feel like a woman” moments this year than I have expected. They are fleeting. Mostly, when I say what are you, I think, I’m non-binary transgender person. I’m drifting in another direction. I have goals, in terms of looks, which is also a question: how concerned are you with looks? If I conform to the societal norms of presenting female, isn’t that like exchanging one matrix for another? My body does not naturally conform to cis-gender female norms. I feel like I can reject that for an androgynous/goth/casual aunt/hippie vibe that is both authentic to my history as a person and gender.
Clothing: Follow the advice of other trans folk. If you find a nice piece, buy another one of it, it might not be around again. I have a nice pair of sandals from China. They make size 15 women’s shoes. So, shopping for shoes is a bitch.
My main exercise is being mindful and grateful and loving. The noise is gone. Now I can replace old reactions with new reactions, or rather rediscover my body, reclaim it.
This far in, the positive mental/emotional changes have been worth it, and have made me, happy, for lack of a better word. Uncluttered.
I think about sex far less than I did. My libido has taken an uptick over the last few days.
My overall biological experience so far is in line with other trans-women during the first two months, except in one way, the pacing is slower. I would say two-weeks, perhaps, though that is only an estimation.
In terms of relationships, my SO is slowly becoming more accepting. She recently said it was ours, together, the journey, which is something she never really articulated before. She’s had years to get used to it, but I was also denying it and dogpiling myself, and engaging in toxic compartmentalization. I’m not doing that anymore, for obvious reasons, but we both relapse to old habits regarding this issue, which is all fear driven. So far, nothing has changed, really. My body hair is gone, and SO is used to it. I wear hippie rings and chokers and have my ear piercings SO keeps waiting for the world to crash down around her and the fam, re: this issue. It hasn’t happened and I do not anticipate it happening if I can minimize breast growth or hide it, anyway.
Other trans women hide breasts, I should be able to as well. Cis people don’t know anything. If I cycle facial hair on and off, it will throw everyone off.
I could be Tiresias, the old man with a beard and breasts. But I like girl stuff way too much. Maybe a prettier Klaus from Umbrella Academy.
Mental space: So much better. Not killing myself with endless spiraling self hate. Aggression down. I can feel “ghost aggression” from where something in my old body would respond with red-line aggression, usually held in by me, white-knuckling, and pretending to smile. Now, the ghost aggression just evaporates and I have a micro second moment of gratitude.
Anxiety can much more easily be managed by mindfulness and being grateful. Though I need to work on both.
Took a TG health survey, participated in some on-line activism, and began curating make-up videos.
My tarot readings are all promising, with the big warning to go slow, go slow. Enjoy it, be grateful. Take it slow.
My mind, wants to go fast, that’s the struggle now, and to be present and enjoy the non toxic headspace.
Summer homework: make-up, exercise, a gallon of water a day challenge, foster joy, foster love. Leave all anger behind.
